Friday, May 29, 2020

Nothing to do with Bathing

             The phone rang at about three-thirty at night a few months ago. Normally I turn it off when I go to sleep, or the many news notifications which come in the early morning with their numerous chirps and beeps wake me up before I’m ready. But I will say that on the few occasions I actually hear a call in the late to early hours, it’s something important. I rolled over and answered..
            “Hello,” I said groggily.
            “Hey, it’s Jimmy,” I heard whispered into the phone. I hadn’t heard from him in an age, probably six months or more.
            “Jimmy, how you doing man? Everything okay?”
            “Why you asking me if I’m all right or not?” he queried nervously.
            “Because it’s the middle of the night man. You out partying?”
            “I knew it!” he said, now very upset.
            I sighed. “What do you know?”
            “I knew you were in on it from the beginning. You son of a bitch, you were behind them all along. You set me up man. And now they’re all around me.”
            “Jimmy I have no idea what you’re talking about. Calm down and I’ll try to help you.”
            “Don’t you tell me to calm down you son of a bitch! We both know what you did so let’s stop pretending.”
            “Do me this one favor. Just tell me what it is I’m supposed to have done. And please be as specific as you can regarding times and dates, so I can completely understand.”
            I could hear his broken wheels turning in the silence which emanated from the other end.. The oscillations were uneven and creaky, the works ground wearily and sounded infested with sand.
            “You know I can’t do that, man. That’s just the thing. You know I can’t. But I know that everybody is against me, and all these forces that are coming down on my house right now, you’re definitely a part of it. That’s all I know.”
            “Jimmy, you’re high and this is way out there, even for you. I’m hanging up now.”
            The last thing I heard before I hung up was him screaming, “You’ll pay for this you motherfucker!” I immediately blocked the number he called from and tried to go back to sleep. It was no good though, and I got out of bed about an hour later and started my day, knowing I was up for a while, at least until I could nap. By noon I had forgotten the whole incident.

            Last week I got another call from a blocked number. It was Jimmy again, this time sounding as lucid as a college science professor. When I heard his voice I remembered for the first time our last discussion. I couldn’t help laughing out loud when I realized who it was.
            “We need to talk man,” he said soberly.
            “It’s your dime,” I replied.
            “Well, I’ve been in rehab for almost sixty days now and I’m working through my steps. I’m on step nine, which means I have to…”
            “I’m familiar with step nine,” I interrupted.
            “Yeah. Okay. Well then, you know that I have to apologize to those I hurt along the road of addiction. And I’m not even sure if I’m right or not, but I vaguely remember calling you and accusing you of all kinds of things that weren’t true. I might have even threatened you, I don’t know. I was going through a very stressful time.”
            “Well Jimmy,” I said, a little smugly. “I do remember that call. But it’s okay, old friend. You need say nothing more. There are no hard feelings.”
            Jimmy let out a hefty breath. “That’s good to hear. Thank you.”
            “If I may, would you mind my inquiring as to what drug you were on that night? I mean: I’ve gotta know. It was meth, right?”
            “Meth? Shit, I’ve stayed up two weeks on meth and never felt that way,” he replied. “No: I was on bath salts. Don’t ever do that shit. It makes you see demons everywhere you look.”
            “Isn’t that the shit the guy in Florida was on, when he was eating that homeless dude’s face?” I asked.
            “YES!” Jimmy replied. “And believe me, I thought about killing all kinds of people when I was fucked up on that stuff”
            “So you wouldn’t recommend trying it?” I asked.
            “Fuck no motherfucker! What have I been trying to tell you all this time?”

            I consider myself warned.

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